Anyone else out there question their whole existence every time they get a haircut?
This past week I got my hair cut and in turn have spent the entire weekend bawling my eyes out and avoiding any and all mirrors. I just don’t want to look at myself, because I feel ugly. There is just something about my long locks that gives me confidence and makes me feel beautiful, but now that those long locks are gone, I just don’t know how to see myself the same way.
It all started because I wanted a change and fueled by the fact that my hair needed a trim. I had been frustrated that my hair wasn’t feeling the same way it always had – silky like a bunny’s butt – but it was still long and I have been slowly embracing my natural curls instead of flat-ironing it all the time. Knowing the trim was inevitable, I started looking at other hairstyles and making the big mistake of thinking I could pull off something different. I just get so tired of looking the same and seeing other people change it up all the time. I wanted to be fun and quirky and different with my look. So I saved some looks I liked and showed a few friends to see what they thought – they loved it and were very supportive. Then I started asking for recommendations of places to go to get a good cut – I chose one and made an appointment.
When the day of my appointment rolled around, I started second guessing my decision – and I should have listened to my instincts. I was sick to my stomach and shaking, but I followed through. I just wanted to follow through and own it despite my husband’s multiple warnings and reminders of what happened last time I did this. I showed up at the salon with all the confidence I had, showed my pictures, and asked if this would work with my natural hair. I was assured that it would and I felt so sure I was making a good choice and was so excited to see the final product with a whole new look.
Four inches later, a new look is what I got. I was feeling okay, because the hairdresser styled it and it looked pretty good. After getting home, I wasn’t so sold, but I was still excited to see how good it was going to look with my natural hair. The next day I showered and used the products I bought to help my curls and then let it air dry. That’s when the tears came. My hair is so short and doesn’t look at all like I had pictured. I’m left with a poofy mess of not the curls I was used to seeing.
Between my fits of crying, I would go into the bathroom and hope to see something better than the last time I looked, but no such luck. It barely fits into a ponytail or bun, so I won’t be able to hide it that way very easily. I can’t wear hats to work. So I’ll probably be flat-ironing it a couple times a week – which is exactly what I had been trying to avoid by embracing my natural look.
So pretty much I’m a wreck and wishing I could take it all back. I was such a fool for thinking I could pull off a different look. So for the next five or six months you’ll find me hiding under my blanket waiting for my hair to grow back. Sigh.