My Struggle with the Little Green Monster

Jealousy is a form of hatred built upon insecurity. -Unknown

Growing up, I was taught the Ten Commandments; therefore, I was taught not to covet what my neighbor has, which translates to not being jealous of those around you. Back then, I had that one in the bag. I always worked really hard at being grateful and satisfied for the things that I had and I was. I didn’t wear designer clothes or drive a new car… I grew up in a middle income family – my parents always made sure we had what we needed, but we definitely didn’t live in luxury, but this ingrained a sense of pride in what I did have and caused me to take pride in what I had. I don’t regret that for a second.

I feel that my struggle with jealousy began when I went to college. My issue isn’t with material things, but rather idealistic things such as friends and relationships. I feel like I have trouble connecting with people, so I end up isolating myself and convincing myself I’m happy to be alone when really I’m super jealous of other people’s friendships. I think social media plays a big role in my struggle, because instead of seeing authentic day to day lives, I see the fake “instagram” pic parts of people’s lives and forget to remind myself that isn’t real. What frustrates me the most is that I don’t want to feel jealous. I like my life and am so proud of where I am now: married to an amazing man; a college grad with a job; saving to buy a house; the cutest happiest pets… the list goes on.

I have realized that due to my struggle with jealousy, I have started developing some shame. I dealt with shame a few years back, but managed to get passed it, but now I have shame for a whole other reason. Now I feel shame for having to try to be happy for people instead of just automatically being happy. It sickens me that I deal with this. I know deep down I’m not the only one to have a jealous thought, but I just really want to work on being genuine and my natural thought being a positive one.

The image at the top is a bit extreme, but fairly true. I don’t believe that I hate those I am jealous of nor do I hate myself due to the jealousy, but I do feel that jealousy stems from insecurity. Everyone is insecure – I believe that with my whole heart, but some are better at overcoming it and being happy and natural with who they are. One of the things I am currently working on is being comfortable in my own skin and my own personality. I think this will help me to have thoughts that stem from happiness instead of from my insecurity.

The Young New Girl Curse

I have a baby face. I see twenty-two and others see twelve.

Having a baby face isn’t the worst thing in the world. Being able to take advantage of kid meals and youthful looks in the future almost makes it an asset. Looking really young is basically an invitation for strangers to make comments about your age, eligibility to work, and relationship status. Most of the time they know you are most likely older than you look, but they want the satisfaction of laughing and claiming that you will appreciate it when you get older. I have become a master of the polite smile and “I’m sure I will” that inevitably follows their comment. And you know what, I probably will appreciate looking fabulous when everyone else is falling apart, but right now I just want to look my age.

Sometimes I feel that people with a baby face are often treated like children even if it is unintentional. Before, I mostly experienced it at restaurants. I would be out at dinner with my family and the hostess would automatically grab a kid’s menu, my drink would be brought out in a kid’s cup, and my mother would be looked at for my order. Having this happen can be funny, but eventually it just gets old causing you to want to throw a tantrum and exclaim that you really are a grown-up!

Now I have a college degree, a husband, and a corporate full-time job. I want to be taken seriously! Having been part of the workforce for a little while, I have decided that the baby face + recent college graduate + female = The Young New Girl Curse. I am now the young new girl. I am not the newest or the youngest person to have been hired and yet I am still treated that way. It has been four months and a raise since I have been working this position. I don’t know everything, but I can definitely hold my own. It definitely doesn’t help that my company works primarily through online correspondence, so all others see is my picture. Oh look at that young new girl! Oh are you the young new girl? Sigh.

In the past month, I have really begun to feel confident in my position. I take on extra work and I go the extra mile to get the documents I need. Occasionally, I’ll mess up or get something wrong. I’m okay with this, because that is how I will learn for next time, yet I still have others offering to just do it for me. Do. It. For. Me. Like I am an incapable child. I know these people are just trying to be nice, but I can stand on my own two feet regardless of how young I look or what gender I am. I just want those around me to realize: It takes the possibility of drowning for the opportunity to swim.