Lifestyle, Marriage, Motherhood, Relationships

Life Update // Down in the Dumps

Hey friends, Lauren here. I haven’t wanted to post anything, because I’ve been trying to keep this space really upbeat, but I have been feeling anything but upbeat lately. I try to avoid posting when I’m down, because I can get into this slump where all I do is rant and complain; even though getting that out makes me feel better, it isn’t very pleasant or uplifting. But I’m not going to lie… I have finally reached a point where I just want to put my fingers to the keys and let my feelings and thoughts and emotions flow through my fingers, so I can hopefully get on with getting on.

Isn’t it crazy how life can go from one crazy high to one deep low in a matter of moments?

That’s my life. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster that never stops to swap passengers; it’s just me going round and round and I wonder if anyone is coming to stop it or help me escape it.

So much changes when you become an adult and even more so when you get married and even more when you have a baby. I have always wanted to be an adult, a wife, a mom. I felt like adulthood – really middle-aged-hood – was where I belonged. And I like adulthood – paying bills, owning a home, being independent. One of the proudest moments of my life was the day I could officially pay for everything myself – when I finally got to tell my parents that I didn’t need their financial help anymore. What a rush!

So I had the adult stuff down, but being a wife was a whole different game and it was one I wasn’t so good at. Everyone tells you that marriage is hard and that is no joke. Believe them. Believe me when I tell you that marriage is one of the hardest things I have ever done – am doing. Learning to communicate and compromise has been a challenge. I like things my way and I am confident that my way is the best way, so enter my husband into this scenario and well it has been quite the humbling experience.

We still aren’t a perfect couple and we don’t have a perfect marriage, but then we bring a new person to our family. A person who can’t talk and is so completely helpless, but is the most perfect and precious thing you have ever seen. Now I’m thrown into figuring out motherhood. There are days I think I have the mom thing down and then there are days that I wonder why I thought I was mom material. My baby is the most wonderful thing in my life, but sometimes she is the very thing that brings me to tears… and that makes me feel so guilty!

Well it turns out that because I’m not a perfect adult, wife, or mom, I can’t do it by myself, so I go searching for friends; a community if you will. Now it’s no secret (to some of you anyway) that I have issues with myself and with friendships. I have a long frustrating history with relationships and I feel like it is a cycle I can’t break. My “friendships” either expire or never actually develop. It’s hard and it takes a toll on a person, especially a person that is already feeling the pressure of marriage and motherhood… and well, life.

Earlier this year I thought I had found my community. A place to belong. A place to be accepted. A place to be included. A place to be loved. But as the months go by it has been made clear that I was wrong and that adulthood is just like all the other life stages before it. And that depresses me. Turns out this community was just a popularity contest and – shocker! – I am still just one of the plain Jane kids that eats their lunch alone who so desperately wants to be apart of something, but just doesn’t cut it. Whether it’s because I’m not cool enough, pretty enough, confident enough, happy enough, outgoing enough, funny enough, etc. I’ll never know. But even with my history and knowing that friendships just aren’t in the cards for me, I haven’t given up and that makes these situations hurt so much more. Even though I’m older now and I have a life that I’m proud of, I have once again been excluded and forgotten about by people I thought I was friends with. What makes it even worse is that I opened up to them about my friendship history and my insecurity surrounding it.

Now after all of this I just feel like a pathetic loser. I just want them to keep their empty words to themselves. I want them to realize that their words – the I love yous and the I care about yous – mean nothing without actions to back them up. At this moment, I just wish I had never let myself care.

Over the past couple of weeks I have been so stressed out with my new baby, my marriage, my new home, my job, my new body, my confidence, and my self-esteem. I have spent countless hours huddled in my closet or alone in the bath crying; just trying to remember that I have worth, trying to figure out how to juggle all of my responsibilities, and trying to remind myself that I can do it. I love my little family, but boy is all of this a lot to take in. Life is hard, but I know my family is worth the struggle.

If you read all of this, thanks for being there and letting me get all of this off my chest. Sometimes you just need a safe place to go to and for me – that’s y’all (and my closet of course!).

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Uncategorized

July Recap

even though i didn’t go swimming this month, this picture made me think of summer…

I seriously cannot believe that July is over… where did the time go?? I now have a three month old and a car that’s registration and inspection is out of date. This month was so full. I successfully lived healthy for about two weeks – eating right, cooking, exercising, I went back into the office a couple times a week, I lost my grandpa, Hazel turned three months old, I learned I’m a Enneagram Type 4, and my brother-in-law + family stayed with us for a few days. I feel like I haven’t gotten a breather in weeks, so I’m looking forward to the day when everything settles and I feel calm again.

Goals

Rebuild My Faith

This goal has been a bit stale ever since having Hazel. I just feel like I don’t get much time to really sit and read, reflect, and pray. I feel so busy and unfocused. It’s a bummer, because I felt so strong in my faith and close to God before having the baby, but I know I’ll get my life under control eventually.

Birth Our Baby Naturally

Save More, Budget Better

Better, but still a definite work in progress. We put a bit in savings, but not as much as I would have liked – this is mainly due to my spending on getting the house to feel like a home… I can get a bit carried away. I haven’t written out a good budget in a couple of months, but all our bills got paid and we added to our savings, so I can’t complain too much.

Exercise

Half and half. I was doing sooooo good at exercising during the first two weeks, but then my brother’s birthday came and we lost my grandpa, so I just fell off the wagon, but I have high hopes for starting over next month.

Meal Plan & Cook At Home More

Definite progress here! The first two weeks of July I was on top of my game in this department. I was all over Pinterest finding healthy recipes I could try and using Walmart Pickup to buy the correct groceries. I utilized my crock pot more than I ever have and actually successfully made a decent amount of meals at home, but then life happened (see above) and I got lazy, but now I know I can do it and will be starting over soon.

Monthly Family Meetings

Nope.

Read More

I read a few chapters, so I’m happy with that.

Buy A House

Love My Husband Better

I feel like this one is going really well. We still had a couple disagreements this month and a few meltdowns, but overall Jeremiah and I are really connecting and communicating so much better. We are trying so much harder and it really shows!!

Write Often

I got a few posts out, so I’m happy with that.

Monthly Planned Date Night

We didn’t go on any planned date nights, but we did get a few date nights in which was really fun and so needed!

Books Read
  • Pleasing People: How Not To Be An Approval Junkie
  • Women of the Word
Shows Watched
Movies Watched
  • High Strung
  • The Little Mermaid
  • Shazam
Motherhood Musings
House Updates

July was a whirlwind, so I am hoping for a very chill August!

Reviews, Shows

Make It or Break It Show Review

Gymnastics + Drama = Me on my couch binging for a week straight.

Plot Summary

Make It or Break It centers around four main female leads – Payson, Emily, Lauren, and Kaylie. All four girls are training as elite gymnasts hoping to eventually compete in the olympics. While training, the girls deal with typical teenage and family stuff such as boyfriends, divorce, breaking the rules as well as training drama such as coaches, gym parents, and politics. The show follows their journey all the way up to olympic team tryouts.

What I Thought

I love all things competitive gymnastics and honestly there isn’t enough entertainment with gymnastics as the plot, so I pretty much enjoy anything that takes a stab at it (Stick It anyone?). I actually watched the first season of this show when it was on tv back when I was in high school. Not sure why I stopped watching, because this time around I absolutely adored it. Most of the plotlines are cheesy, but it is exactly the kind of show I fall for. There is surprisingly a lot of gymnastics involved and just enough ridiculous drama to keep it interesting.

The girls all come from different backgrounds and deal with different issues all while fighting for the same goal. There is the new poor girl with a single mom and handicapped brother, the rich snobby girl raised by a single dad, the extremely talented girl with a strong family that keep her grounded, and the other rich girl with two famous parents who treat her like money machine. Not all the characters are likable, but once you pick your favorite, it is fun to root for that one through all of the drama.

For those who have watched the show…

My favorite character is without a doubt Payson! She is the sweetest, cutest, most-relatable character for me. I liked all of her plotlines and she made me feel the most especially when she hurt her back and had to change the type of gymnast she was and when she had to prove she wasn’t just a sacrificial lamb for the olympic team to throw away. She had a heart of gold, a good head on her shoulders, and more courage and perseverance than any of the other girls. Oh, and her and Rigo were sooooo adorable!

I wish the show had gotten it’s last three episodes to show what happened at the 2012 olympics, but at least they gave it an ending by showing who made it onto the olympic team, so I’ll give them some credit for a decent wrap-up and not just leaving us hanging.

I was so happy with the Kelly Parker redemption story. She was so annoying in the beginning of the show, but getting to see a bit more of her character and what has shaped her in the second season to the person she was at the end of season three was so great! I think Kelly might be my second favorite shockingly enough.

Lauren and Emily both got on my nerves so much. Lauren because gosh can someone be so horrible and snotty and annoying? And Emily because she just didn’t respect any rules or laws… like I get it you were dealt a bad hand, but you can’t just act like the rules don’t apply to you. Besides Rigo, I thought Damon was the best boy character; although I didn’t like how they wrote off Emily’s character, but I get why they did it because the actress got pregnant in real life.

My Rating: 5 Stars

I really enjoyed this show and finished the entire three seasons in one week! I would definitely recommend it for anyone who likes gymnastics or typical drama-filled shows about teenagers.

Have you seen Make It or Break It?

Motherhood

Confessions of a First Time Mom #3

Accidental Dropping

Alright y’all, confession time. About a month ago, I dropped Hazel. Yep, that happened… I became one of those parents.

Before this incident, I always said I would never be one of those parents that accidentally drops their kid. Like how does that even happen? Well, I now know how it happens and my judgemental attitude has gone out the window. I now want to tell you my story and reiterate that if/when this happens to you, you are not alone!

The day of the accidental dropping started like any other. I was working from home and my husband was watching Hazel. He decided to go outside and work in the yard leaving Hazel in my care. No big deal. He had left her sitting in this caterpillar thing that helps her sit up and not lay on her back all day. Also no big deal. But our coffee table was blocking my view of her, so I decided to pick her up and move her closer to me, so I could keep an eye on her while I was working. No big deal.

I walked over to her and like a genius, I figured I would just pick her up in the caterpillar. As I lifted, my adorable top-heavy baby fell backwards out of the caterpillar. It all happened so fast! When I realized what was happening, I dropped the stupid caterpillar and picked her up immediately. I was bawling so hard and couldn’t catch my breath. Hazel was crying, because she had just hit our floor. Utter chaos is happening inside while my husband blissfully cuts limbs out of the tree.

Instead of running outside to tell him what happened, I call my mom. She attempts to calm me down and then tells me I need to go get Jeremiah and call the pediatrician. Jeremiah comes in and is so lost. I not-so-calmly explain to him that I dropped Hazel and we need to take her to the doctor. He gets Hazel to stop crying and we rush to the pediatricians office.

When the pediatrician takes a look at her, she confirms that Hazel is in perfect condition. She was able to be calmed, she is a good weight, no internal bleeding, and good reflexes. She had no concerns about Hazel, which is a total relief and blessing. I was mortified now though. I’m sure they wrote something in her file that her mother is so irresponsible. But the doctor informed me that typically with falls from less than a foot onto carpet result in no harm done and the hardest part is the parent forgiving themself.

So there you have it… it happens to 90% of parents and more often than not your baby will be fine. Forgive yourself and keep trying. Parenthood is hard work and accidents happen.

Our Nest

House Item Haul #1

Becoming a homeowner and moving into our first house has been extremely exciting not just for the convenience of our new lifestyle (with a baby) and the growing up (also with a baby), but also for all of the creativity that I have had swirling around inside of me. Ever since I was a kid, I would lay awake at night dreaming up living spaces and how I would furnish and decorate them. I’m no interior designer or Pinterest queen, but I do enjoy making my spaces feel like me! With an apartment, you are limited on what you can do, but with a house… your property is your only limit.

Over the past few months I have been gathering inspiration to make our home feel cozy and like us. I have so many boards and lists and documents trying to make my vision a reality. Obviously we came into the house with stuff, but I have slowly been gathering needed items as well as replacing some of our old items. I can’t wait to share every room in the house with you once they are completed, but for now, I wanted to tell you about some of the items I have gathered.

Target

I have been trying to make our kitchen come alive and give our hall bathroom a personality. Our kitchen has a bit of a picnic theme if you will with a bit of plaid and Independence Day colors. We ordered some red curtains to hang above our sliding back door in the kitchen to tie in a few of the red pieces we have throughout the kitchen. I snagged a discounted summer doormat with an adorable popsicle design on it that I am using inside right in front of the back door. The hall bathroom which will essentially be our kid(s) bathroom was looking real drab, but I am giving it a face lift with a bunch of color! So far I have painted the walls, put up a fantastic shower curtain full of color, and added a couple rugs and it is already looking so much better!

Dirt Cheap

// for those who don’t live in one of the few states with a Dirt Cheap, it is a store that sells Target’s unsold/seasonal items at discounted prices… a thrift store for new items. //

  • Shower Curtain
  • Quilt
  • Throw Pillows
  • Curtains
  • Tablecloth
  • Curtain Rods

So I just discovered Dirt Cheap about a month ago and – oh my gosh! – it is fabulous!! If you have the time and dedication to really dig, you can find some serious treasures here. Ever since we got married our bedroom has had no theme or color scheme to it and it drives me crazy! So one of my goals in the house is to give us a room that kind of goes together. Since moving, our bedroom was pretty bare-boned. A bed, a chest of drawers, and our laundry sorter. We have had this grey and white plaid comforter and whatever sheets we can find… well not anymore! I found this yellow quilt (that I am absolutely in love with) originally $60 for $25! I got some white linen sheets + pillowcases, paired it with the yellow quilt and the aqua pillowcases we already had and boom! already a place I want to spend time in. In addition to the quilt, I also found a yellow throw pillow and a light coral throw pillow that give the bed that oomph it so desperately needed!

The other stuff was just kind of random items I grabbed for different rooms: updated shower curtain for the master bath, cafe curtains for above the kitchen sink + curtain rods + tablecloth for the kitchen, and an oversized throw pillow for the living room.

Amazon
  • Pillow Covers

I love throw pillows, because they just give a room so much depth and personality. I normally just find pillows and use them as-is, but I don’t enjoy the design of the ones I have, so I decided to look into pillow cases. I ordered a few different colors and designs to update the living room and try and pull all of the colors in there together + make it cozy and inviting.

Bath & Body Works

Over the past couple of years, I started getting into candles. I really like how a candle gives a room a warm glow plus makes it smell clean and/or yummy. I have been trying to light candles in the different rooms, because it makes me smile. We had burned out most of our candles, so I got us some updated scents for the living room, hall bathroom, master bedroom + bathroom. This trip, I left with watermelon lemonade, cactus blossom, and midnight blue citrus (my new favorite!). As for soap, I like the smell and feel of B & B Works foaming soap, so I grabbed some for the three sinks; watermelon lemonade, cactus blossom, fresh lemonade, sunshine and lemons, and raspberry tangerine.